Nothing Else Matters

Am goin thru a turmoil of emotions,
In a weird kind of fashion
Grief, happiness, Hatred, Pity
Wat al lies in my kitty
That m feelin so shitty….
Wat n how did I freakin mess up???
From life’s half filled cup….
The new yr started wid a bang
Loadsa stupid songs I sang
N ma heart went a bang
N it rang rang rang
And then it finally with a thump, clanged!!!
Why da fuck
Do I really deserve this??
Wat did I mis???
Tryin to run away from bliss…
Dint quite expect da unexpected
I am a fool
Always on my own drool,
Always swimming in my own fantasy pool
But then, why me???
When I was just trying to break free
U broke my trust
M not sure if u must
Jus turning me into a small piece of crust
Nothing matters
When da world around me scatters
In da end its gonna be only me
Always tryin to flee,
From reality, with glee
Attempting to smile
Even if its jus for a while….
Hiding away from the truth,
I’m jus a dreamer
Not a screamer….
Tryin to be happy,
N not feel so trappy,
For you I care
And for that I need not dare
From anyone’s stare
And I don’t care wat I fare
The whole universe am ready to tear
And nothing matters I swear…
U have taken a decision
I think wid precision
To go ahead with your mission
Like me, I hope u don’t learn a lesson
And face treason…
Will always pray for your best
Come wat may
No matter wat people say
By ur side, I will lay
Wid ma heart on na tray
Let me be the one they slay
I will not fray
For u I shal forever stay…
Doesnt matter wat, when, wher,
Anyday, anytime, anywhere….

April 29 2009

29th April 2009
9:09 p.m.

At this moment, my mood’s totally screwed up. Not because of anyone in particular, but because of the weather. It’s getting hotter by the day and that’s getting on to my nerves now. Since the time I have stepped out, i.e. since morning, all I have been bathing in is sweat.

Went to gym in the morning, then had an awesome Swedish massage. Was feeling so nice after the steam and shower. But the moment I stepped out of the gym, started sweating like a pig. Went to KP with Sukhada immediately after that, and was getting frustrated by the minute due to the increasing temperatures.

Finally, have come to Barista where it’s not cool, but simply pleasant, which is somewhat consoling. That’s what I have been telling myself since I have come here. Its atleast better than the hot blasting air outside. Don’t know how am going to sleep tonight.

I really don’t know how to describe today. The only new thing was the increasing heat and me suffering it. Am still not used to it. Give me winter any day but not such scorching summers!

The match between MI and KXIP was on and I decided to finally cheer for my home team, the MI. Bu alas! Turns out every team I cheer ends up losing. By the end of the tough match, MI lost & I got calls from my friends asking me to stop cheering for any team.

Came home around midnight, when it still was hot. Just crashed dead on my bed, without thinking of anything at all! All I could ask for is a better day ahead……

April 28 2009

28th April, 2009
7:50 p.m.

Today was a normal day, nothing much happened but yeah as usual, some new stuff did occur.

I went with my daily grind of waking up, going to gym and then treating myself to some yummy Aloo Parantha :-P. After that came home, found out that Nick wasn’t feeling well because of the hectic weekend, so hardly met him today.

I then, as usual, became lazy and dozed off for a while, despite the number of people trying to call me. Didn’t wanna break my beauty nap. Lolz. Anyways, woke up & checked my mail and was shocked but pleasantly surprised at what I saw. There was a mail from a very old colleague of mine. That mail consisted of a series of emails we had exchanged when we worked together. It included a sweet li’l poem he had written for me then. I felt so touched. He still remembers and he took that mail when he quit. How much more nice can it get. My day’s made. You can still imagine the smile on my face as I’m writing this.

Another surprise was in store for me as the day passed. There was a friend request on facebook from a very very old friend of mine with whom I had completely lost touch. I had met her about 6 years back at a cousin’s wedding. She is a Norwegian girl named Beate who had flown to India especially for the wedding. We had clicked the moment we met and I was her friend cum translator at the wedding. We went on to become very good friends in the days to come, even though she’s ten years elder to me. I took her partying and stuff in Mumbai. We were in touch for about 2-3 months after that. Then we completely lost touch. Her email address suddenly was no longer valid. I tried searching for her in a lot of places, but to no avail. Then I had given up. And suddenly I got the request on FB along with a message in my inbox asking if I still remembered her and stuff. She apparently got married 4 years back and now has 2 kids. How sweet. We have exchanged a series of mails since yesterday and I am so happy to be in touch with her again.

Then as evening wore on, was thinking of what to do and suddenly my friend called and asked if I wanted to come over. I did and then posted my pending blogs and chatted with a few friends online.

My day was finally over, with more nostalgic memories and once again I dozed off, with a smile on my face 

27th April 2009

27th April 2009
8:40 p.m.

Yesterday evening was pretty decent. Saw Fast & Furious 4, liked it, then went to Blue Nile & had some lovely biryani. Then had a one on one talk. Lots of things, which were unspoken in the past, poured out. That was good, because atleast & atlast someone was blurting out what was there in their mind since so long. To cut the long story short, major issues were sorted out which led to lots of masti & a peaceful sleep in the end. Don’t remember when last I slept so well, actually smiling.

Today was eventful in certain ways. Met my aunt n went for Aryan’s munji, or whatever that is that Brahmins do. Rupa has changed so much. Still remember the cute, bubbly, always smiling Rupa & now with so many burdens on her head, she is still smiling, hats off to her. Need to meet her asap and help her out.

Then took directions to reach Law College Road Barista from Fai & somehow managed to reach there on time to meet Rahul Soman. Nice guy, genuinely interested in trekking n stuff. He proved my intuitions right by saying that Pune does not have too many trekking groups and people are too lazy even to meet to discuss common interests. What I liked about him is that he takes his society kids & other kids out on treks & trips, just so that they can remain in touch with their roots & nature. So I promised him that I shall join him for his next trek with the kids.

I need to get net on my laptop asap. So thought will try out the Idea outlet nearby and take information on their latest USB device. For 2 simple brochures, which I could understand just by reading, I was asked to wait for an hour just to be explained by the stupid girl across the counter what it was.

I still did not lose my head. Instead to make my mood better, I decided to have a subway and then head home for the match. Guess what. It was destined that my evening be ruined. Out of all the times that I always decided to take a takeaway, this time I thought of enjoying my sub there itself, peacefully, which I did. When I came out smiling, I saw that my bike was not where I had parked it just 15 mins back. I come to know that it was a 4 wheeler parking lot and my bike had gotten towed away. That was it! I lost my cool, took a rick & went to the police station where they had taken it. Upon reaching there, I find that I had arrived, but my bike still hadn’t. I don’t think I need to describe my state of mind then. Plus having seen how these towing guys handle bikes, I was just praying that my bike was alright.

Finally, after waiting for about half an hour, the truck carrying my bike arrives. I gave the guys the keys so that they don’t manhandle my bike. Because they saw the anger on my face, they carried by bike extra cautiously & put it down. Then I went to the main guy. He asked for 150 bucks, not ready to bargain. After giving the cash, he did not even check my license, PUC or anything. He said I could leave. I asked for the receipt. He said I’d have to wait for another half an hour or so till their Madam arrived. I waited for 5 mins, couldn’t take it anymore & rode straight home.

That was pretty much what I thought would be a peaceful Sunday, turned out for me. I smiled thinking, how much more worse can it get.

And it DID get worse with KKR losing the match against MI. But that’s ok. The worst for the day was finally over and I got back to writing my stuff and then going to the state I love most – My Dreamland, where no one interferes………

Today.........

26th April 2009

2:10 p.m.

Right now, feeling so bloody lonely n empty. No one to say “I Care”. Jus sitin starin at each without saying a word. And when either of us opens his/her mouth, the only exchange is to blame each other. So at this moment, silence IS bliss for me.

Feel like jus getting up, takin ma bag n walk out of the door. But unable to do that. That would prove I’m a loser, which I am not. So here in am, sitin, talkin to u, becoz ther’s no one else to share.

I dunno wat to do, how to react. Said Sorry, dint work. Days r running by. Dunno if this really is gonna work. But I am gonna give it my best shot, so that atleast I won’t regret n blame myself for not givin ma best.

Life seems upside down right now. Want to start getting busy soon so that my stupid empty mind stops becoming da freakin devil’s workshop, which it already is now. And I hate myself for it.

Why cant I ever be selfish, like others. I try so hard but I stil cant act selfish or throw attitude. Its just not me. Me is a very simple girl, who gets pleasure out of simple things in life like love, care and people she likes, around her. Then too people find it hard to accept her. They take her for granted n in the end she always ends up being lost.

April 23, Part II

Today evening was just perfect. When I woke up from my noon nap, I had a small Pooh waiting for on my laptop, a small gesture by someone to make me feel special & better after a rather heavy afternoon. All I could do was Smile . Meeting Piyushbhai after 4 yrs, reviving old childhood memories was really soothing. Was getting into a nicer mood.

The best part was the drive afterward, which cannot be described but am still gonna try my best, to keep the memory fresh.

Nick just said we were going for a drive but I had no idea wat was in store for me. I thought it would just be a small after dinner drive n then back home. With Bon Jovi playing in the background, we took off. We took a road I don’t think had been before. Nick said he was taking me to a special place. Then it occurred that I was going to have the privilege that very few have had of seeing yet another secret special place of his. By the way, I am one of the very few people in this world who has seen & has these special secret places that only Nick & I know of. So here we were, driving on & on, windows down, the air getting cooler n cooler and chilly breeze blowing the hair off my face. As I said earlier, the feelings flowing through me just can’t be described. As we starting going further, civilization just kept getting decreasing till there was nothing around, just the trees, mountains, stars & us beneath them taking in all we could.

We were just going on n on & I had no idea whatsoever where we were going, despite asking Nick numerous times. He just kept on saying that it was someplace special. I didn’t mind as I was enjoying the lovely weather n the awesome road. Just felt like staying there, living the moment for as long as I could.

Then finally, Nick asked me to close my eyes. I did. He stopped the car n then swore. Apparently, the view for which we had come so far for, no longer existed. There was supposed to be a lovely lake below the valley, but the lake was no longer there. So Nick was highly disappointed. But then I said the drive & weather were even lovelier so I didn’t mind.

We finally started on our way back. The music was already switched off so that we could take in the aroma & touch of Mother Nature. Then we started talking. We started off just jabbering about usual stuff. Then the topic came to dogs n we both just couldn’t stop. I got senti in between remembering my separation from Casper. We both love dogs. We both were weighing the pros and cons of getting one now. So by the end of our discussion/debate, we decided we shall get one soon as soon as our work stuff gets settled.

Then slowly civilization started reappearing and I swore under by breath. The drive back was coming to an end so quickly. We switched the music back on and finally came home.

I felt so nice that the day went so well and thanked God for another awesome & memorable day in my life.

Me NOW!!!

23rd April 2009
00:35 hrs

Part I

Wanting to write since so long but never got to it, despite of convincing myself & being told so many times. Finally made up my mind today n here I go.

Gotta nostalgia time going on. Too many memories, old & new, getting revived. Feeling happy & sad. Got mixed feelings but in the end feeling lighter & that’s what matters, right?

So here I go.

Lots of things happening, yet nothing’s actually happening. Got kinda mixed feelings about almost everything I do, everyone I meet, everywhere I go.

Just can’t seem to decide what’s right & if I am doing things right. The days just seem to fly, yet every single day leaving a deeper impact, something new behind.

The feeling that Nick’s always there gives me the sense of security I need but I know that’s only for now. Need to get my wings ready n start flying soon. I can sense the freedom of being on my own completely, just smiling, laughing n just soaring higher & higher & higher in the clouds of success.

As of now, concentrating on making the wings, strong yet fluffy & comfortable, reliable yet durable for my whole lifetime. Gaining knowledge by reading & talking with Nick & absorbing as much as I can. Also concentrating on making my body as fit as I can. Need to be the strongest physically as well as mentally. So strong that no one can even think of beating me in any possible way they can think of.

Have seen a lot in life, been through tough times, so now is the time to be ME. The time I have been waiting for my entire life. Do something on my own & show the world who I really am.